We're talking again

It started on fb. We were messaging. Just little things occasionally. Then this week it erupted into us messaging back and forth all day on Tuesday. And sharing music. And it was ok. Weird but ok. I wasn't sure how well it was going to go because it's sorta like having a blank slate but one that has a bunch of chalk dust on it from the past 5 years of knowing each other. We're starting a new phase in our relationship but we can't really start over. There are layers of history there that can't be erased. So our interactions are colored with that but we still seem to be able to hold decent conversations. Also it's so so so easy to slip back into the comfortable structure of conversation that we've always had. And now we're skyping. Cause we're sharing music. And we are still talking. and it seems to be working. I'm not over analyzing anything you're saying. This time. I did a few days ago. But I'm actively working on it. For now this could work. Occasional fb and skype sessions could work. Swing dancing is still out of the question. Don't think that's happening any time soon. Or even texting necessarily. but this is ok. for now.

Extisential crisis

Do you guys ever have existential crises? I have them sometimes late at night or times when it feels late. I start to wonder why I am doing anything I am and to what purpose I do any of it. I start to think that nothing I do has any meaning or that I will never do any thing of importance. I am simply terrified that I will never have a meaningful love/sex relationship with another person. I have wonderful friendships and family relationships but I want a Relationship. Capital R. And sometimes it feels like that will never happen for me. So many of the people I talk to either have a significant other or have no problem finding someone to provide some sort of physical comfort. I am 20 years old and I have kissed someone once. And it freaked me the $#@% out. I don't do physical things because I have issues with it but lord I'd like to.

So basically all I wanted to say was I was having a bit of an existential crisis earlier or maybe just a pity-party. Which I think is ok sometimes. It's good to figure out why you do the things you do.

Of traveling alone and England

I highly dislike traveling alone. This is about the 4th time I've taken the bus either to or from Duluth on my own and I kinda hate it. Yes, it's a cheaper way to travel, it saves gas and gets me to work right on time but it's also lonely. I end up in strange depressed moods most often when I travel by myself. It would be easier knowing that my family was waiting on the other end for me but this time I'm leaving them. I was only home for a day but I felt terrible leaving. I didn't want to leave. Usually I can't wait to get back to Duluth. But lately it's been harder because I know that I have to tell Casey that I'm not going to live with her next year and I really don't want to deal with that. I also need to have a conversation with her about some of the ways she's been acting towards me that I think are totally unintentional but still kinda suck. I'm just ready to be done with this semester but I'm so not ready to grow up.

I mostly just want to be back in England. I miss those accents so badly. There will always be something a bit messed up in my brain when it comes to England and that experience. I still have problems with what way the cars are supposed to drive on the road, where I look to cross the street and what accent I expect to hear depending on where I am. Yesterday was quite odd because I kept expecting to hear English accents while waiting in line to The Wanted but they were all American or Spanish accents. I was thankful for the people behind me in line who were speaking in Spanish because it made me feel a bit more like I was not in America. And of course I don't want to leave the people I love here but I do want to leave. I have such a strong case of wanderlust. I don't understand people who are content to stay in one place at any given time.

School again

And so begins another semester of college. I am so close and so far away from being done. I still have 3 semesters left after this one but it feels like everybody around me is almost done. Many of my friends have only 1 left after this semester or they are graduating. This is so crazy to me. I am terrified to be out in the real world and have to pay off student loans and be a functioning adult. I'd really rather not. Ever. Sadly it has to happen sometime but it seems like it will be later rather than sooner for me.


I am taking some really interesting classes this semester. A lot of it seems to be group work based or class participation based. I may actually get to know people in my classes! Which will be a bloody miracle. This is going to be a really packed semester for me but I kinda missed that. I did it in High School and I'm sure I can do it again. I've been doing it for a long time.

I have continued to talk to that guy I was talking to on fb. Not really sure where that's going to end up. I really would rather not have another internet/skype/not being physically present relationship. Not such a fan of those types and that's all I've ever really had. It would spectacular to have a relationship where we are in the same place. I rather doubt that happening any time too soon but whateves. I'll continue single as I have for most of my life. I appear stupidly good at it.

This has been a really random post. Sorry about that. But not really.

I just lost my best friend. Again. Because I was in love with him and he didn't reciprocate. And this has been going on for 5 years. And fuck, shit, piss, damn. Honestly. And he just deleted my number from his phone. And how in the hell did it devolve to this? What happened in the last month? I just want my best friend back. But not the way it was. Because that sucked. I don't even know what I want. When have I ever? I got my heart broken for the first time. And this fucking sucks. This is why I never said anything. This is why I break things off early. Because i don't ever want to feel like this. EVER. Because this is the worst. And now all I want to do is curl up with crappy romance or maybe some blood-guts-and carnage to make myself feel better. Along with some ice cream. With chocolate sauce. Jesus Christ this sucks. Essentially I'm freaking out right now. Because I'm angry for no reason and so is he. And we managed to hurt each other again. I never wanted it to come to this. I don't know what to do now. If this is how M felt then I totally understand why he was so mad at me and why we don't speak any more. It's too hard.

Side note, found a really good violinist today. I always loved string instruments. And he's amazing. So there's that?

Boys and broken hearts

So I'm talking to this guy on fb yeah? And I like him. And I like talking to him. He's interesting and seems fun and he seems interested in me too. But I am so scared that I like his attentions only because I have only so recently been suffering from a broken heart. Or that he's a rebound. And gods that not fair. and the worst part is I wasn't even dating the guy who broke my heart. And now I'm worried about this and over-thinking it and the glow I had from talking to him is leaving. And I hate when that happens. I think it may be partly due to Joe's text message from this morning. Which has had me a in a really weird mood. Also I may have invited Mitch to come swing dancing... Oh my god. What am I doing? Ok. Breathe. Breathing is good. I don't want to end up in a facebook/texting only relationship again. I've had that too often. I just want to have a real relationship. An actual holding-hands-kissing type of relationship that I've never had. And I'm starting to be scared that I never will...

New Years and Boys

So this New Years Eve was spent with my friend Casey and her friends. And I really enjoyed myself. I spent a good hour-hour and a half talking to this kid Mitch. And I really enjoyed it. I was sobering up as I was talking to him which meant I was actually coherent. Which is good... But beyond that it was just fun to talk to someone I didn't know about things I liked. And today he friended me on fb. And wrote me a fb message that said that he really liked conversing with me last night. Something he apparently doesn't say often or lightly. That made a little tingle of happiness run through me. I've been having trouble with the Joe thing but I think I'm ready to move on. And to deal with it as necessary and maybe this will help. Mitch was a really cool guy. And I enjoyed talking to Casey's other friends too. i had a decent conversation with Jeff about the bible and I guessed what he was raised as. Then later he tried to guess who I knew at the party and how I knew them. It was good times. Plus he was a troll (not in looks but in actions like the interwebs) and a flirt. Which always picks a girls spirits up. Also I looked good last night. For realz. And Casey's friend JT (who was a drunken mess by the end of the night) was hitting on me. Which also picked my spirits up :P All in all it was an excellent way to ring in the new year.

And I have new friends out of the deal :D